You can tell how well a man will treat you simply by looking at his hair. A balding man is just so grateful to go out with you, he will treat you with the love and respect you deserve. A man with gorgeous hair will be a jerk. Take Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall. OK, sure, that was just a character, but you know a guy with hair that beautiful is going to be a bad-news boyfriend. He’ll cheat on you, he’ll steal your conditioner. Best to go for the bald.
2.MOST MEN FEEL PRESSURED TO BUY YOU STUFF ON MAJOR HOLIDAYS
This is fabulous, except they sometimes forget a major holiday is coming up. So it’s your job to remind them. The anniversary of the first time you made love, and the anniversary of the first time he let you be in charge of the remote control. Also, it’s very important to have your gift picked out in advance; otherwise, you’re likely to get a blender or a G-string.
3.IN A RESTAURANT, MEN GO TO THE BATHROOM ALONE
Women go to the bathroom in pairs. If men went in pairs, you would wonder what they were doing in there so long. You would get paranoid. Are they talking about me? Are they rebuilding a carburetor? Are they assembling a stereo? Have they left through the bathroom window? This must be how men feel when women go, and explains why they are so insecure.
4.YOU’VE GOT A GUARANTEED DATE ON NEW YEAR’S EVE
No matter how much you want to break up with your boyfriend—even if you have to go visit him in prison—on New Year’s Eve he’d better be your date, damn it! Women do not like to be alone on New Year’s Eve. They will do anything to avoid it. I had a girlfriend who hadn’t hooked a date for the big night and was completely panicked. A guy called her up, thinking her number was the line for Domino’s Pizza, and ordered a pep-peroni with extra cheese. She delivered the pizza, they ate it, and then made mad, passionate love in his tollbooth.
5.IT’S EASY TO KNOW A MAN’S FEELINGS
Want to find out if a man really loves you? Ask him to go clothes shopping with you. Men like shopping for women’s clothes as much as they like having red-hot needles stuck in their eyes. If he’s willing to go and sits patiently while you model 14 different outfits, he really loves you. If he hits on the salesgirl while you’re in the dressing room, he doesn’t.
6.THEY CAN DO MANUAL LABOR
Men can take out garbage cans, lift sofas, and change tires. Jobs you wouldn’t want to do in a million years. Jobs that, if you absolutely had to do them, would make you cry. To get men to do these jobs, all you have to do is whine.
7.YOU CAN WEAR THEIR UNDERWEAR
Boxer shorts are amazing. They’re big, they’re baggy, most men look adorable in them, and they are wonderful to borrow. You can sleep in them, lounge around the house in them, and with a cute T-shirt and the right shoes, you can even wear boxers out to breakfast! A word of caution: Don’t borrow their jockey shorts. Jockey shorts are just too weird. They have that extra pocket in the front—what is that for? Change? Their car keys? Plus, what if, God forbid, his jockey shorts are too tight for you? This would mean that your butt is bigger than his—and is there a more depressing thought?
8.MEN AREN’T DUMB ENOUGH TO BE PROFESSIONAL CHEERLEADERS
Every professional sports team has cheerleaders. Women who run around in skimpy costumes, who follow the team from city to city, who spend hours practicing dorky routines, and who get paid almost nothing. Is this a career? Why do they do it? So they can marry one of the players and never have to work again?
9.MEN DON’T GET PERIODS
As frustrating as men can be, can you imagine what they would be like if they got periods? If you had to deal with them bragging about their gas mileage and crying because their oil needed to be changed? What if you found them hiding in the closet, reading Sports Illustrated while chugging a pint of Haagen-Dazs? Maybe it’s good they’re insensitive.
