MARRIAGE

- Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
- The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.
- My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
- I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
- I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
- It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!
- Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers.
- In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to 'Until debt do us part'.
- Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
- Marriage can be viewed as the waiting room for death.
- I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.
- The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband
- Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
- Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.
- They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
- A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished
- I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
- After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
- Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed
- I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.