learn to speak chinese in 5 minutes!

1. that's not right - sum ting wong
2. are you harbouring a fugitive? - hu yu hai ding
3. see me asap - kum hia nao
4. stupid man- dum fuk
5. small horse - tai ni po ni
6. did you go to the beach? - wai yu so tan
7. i bumped into a coffee table - ai bang mai fa kin ni
8. i think you need a face lift - chin tu fat
9. it's very dark in here - wao so dim
10. thought you were on a diet - wai yu mun ching
11. this is a tow away zone - no pah king
12. our meeting is scheduled for next week - wai yu kum nao
13. staying out of sight - lei ying lo
14. he's cleaning his automobile - wa shing ka
15. your body odour is offensive - yu stin ki pu
16. great - fa kin su pah

A scene from last night [Time 22:15]

Marriage

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:"Husband Wanted".Next day she received a hundred lettersThey all said the same thing:"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Then there was a woman who said,"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life, thinking they had no faults at all.

A Woman's Prayer:Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

Restroom Study

A PSYCHOLOGICAL STUDY OF TYPES OF MEN IN THE REST ROOM

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss, if he has to or not.
NOSEY: Looks into urinal to see how other guy is fixed.
CROSSEYED: Looks into urinal to the left, pisses into one in the middle, flushes the one on the left.
TIMID: Cannot urinate if someone is watching. Flushes urinal as if he had gone, sneaks back later.
INDIFFERENT: All urinals are being used, he pisses in sink.
CLEVER: No hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pisses on the floor.
WORRIED: Is not sure of what he has been doing lately, makes quick inspection.
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up and down urinal, tries to hit fly.
ABSENT MINDED: Opens vest, pulls on tie, pisses in pants.
DISGUSTED: Stands for awhile, gives up, walks away.
SNEAK: Farts silently while leaking, acts innocent, hopes that the man in the next stall will be blamed.
CHILDISH: Leaks directly into urinal bottom, likes to see the bubbles.
PATIENT: Stands very close for a long time, reads newspaper with his other hand.
EFFICIENT: Waits till he has to take a crap, then does both.
TOUGH: Bangs dong against urinal to dry it off.
FAT: Has to stand back to take a long blind shot at urinal, misses and pisses in shoe.
LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in urinal, drowns.
DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
WITHDRAWN: Places feet in urinal, pisses down leg, thus eliminating noise.
IMPATIENT: Always in a hurry, pisses down back of guy using urinal in front of him.

Just wonderin........

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dogs name was mypenis?

- Mypenis ate my homework.
- Oh no, mypenis is frothing at the mouth.
- Sorry i'm late, i was playing with mypenis.
- I'm sorry, officer. i didnt realise i had to keep mypenis on a leash.
- Mypenis doesn't come when i call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
- I love giving mypenis a bath.
- At night, i sleep with mypenis in my hands.
- Mypenis likes it when people stroke him.
- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. he weighs over fifty pounds.
- Playing with mypenis really wears me out.
- Would you like to see a picture of mypenis?
- I think mypenis has a mind of its own.
- I keep a picture of mypenis in my wallet.
- Whenever i get lost, mypenis points me in the right direction.
- I think mypenis is getting old because he wont get excited anymore, he just plays dead.
- Mypenis got out last night. i think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
- Help, i cant find mypenis.
- Sorry to be driving so slow officer, but i was looking for mypenis.
- Sorry to be driving so fast officer, i have to take mypenis to the hospital.
- Mypenis gets excited whenever the postman comes.
- Oh no, something bit mypenis!

Lights Out!!

I was doing a specific research on sum dumb thing yesterday when all of a sudden the lights went out. I was hopeless and there was nuthing i could do about it becoz it had happened to the whole area where i was living. So, i had to do sumthing which didnt include any connection to what they call "electricty" [which by the way, we dont get to do much without it]...... I was bored to death, i had to do sumthin...so i tried takin sum pics of the candle which i had lit by then...
As i was in process with the action...there were sum comments like..."hhmpft, try not to burn the house down"...and like "pls blow the candle and do that stuff, wat ever u r doin..."...........duhhh , like they dont kno the main point here is the CANDLE....
Anyways..hope u like these. :)

I'll be there.......

I’ll be there wherever you are
Walk together with you
Just like your skies
Let the sun come out, I’ll become your shade
if you are alone, I’ll become your shadow
if you are disturbed, let me ease your mind
your presence have I learnt to live
you have spread the net of happiness
have you lost yourself or found everything
wherever you are, i am there too
i'll walk like this with you
just like your skies
let the gloomy clouds loom over me
let the restlessness attack me
let any hurtful talks come to me
my heart always thought of someone to be mine
someone who I won't keep secrets from
won't open my eyes; perhaps it's a dream
wherever you are so am I
I'll walk with you
like your skies

GUESS WHO!!!!!

Looky looky....heres someone all of us know.... famous.....

Any guesses???.......

Ps: anybody who guesses right, wil be awarded FREE coffee at ur own place...

Really Means.........

Some lines where men uses, when at times they dont want us to know the real hidden meanin of what they just said, we get it, yet, we keep it to ourselves so that they are satisfied thinking they made it look sweet and thoughtful........

"It's a guy thing." - Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means: "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late." Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means: "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means: "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means: "You want me to stay awake."

"That's women's work." Really means: "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means: "I remember the theme song , the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means: "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means: "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means: "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means: "What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you." Really means: "I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You look terrific." Really means: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you." Really means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means: "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means: "I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means: "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means: "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

True Facts About Men

1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
2. Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
8. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
9. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
10. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is married
11. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
12. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets.
13. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
14. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop"..
15. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

[Journey]

She was there.She didnt kno how, but she was right there. Wondered through the place, amazed yet comfortable and familiar. Before she knew it, she was flying around with the others. What made her wonder was, why she wasnt new. Forgot all her trouble. Travelling throught time....it didnt last forever...to know..she had to wake up. Wishing the journey to take her again....................she had to wait.

Examples Of Body Language

NONVERBAL BEHAVIOR --- INTERPRETATION
Brisk, erect walk --- Confidence
Standing with hands on hips --- Readiness, aggression
Sitting with legs crossed, foot kicking slightly --- Boredom
Sitting, legs apart --- Open, relaxed
Arms crossed on chest --- Defensiveness
Walking with hands in pockets, shoulders hunched --- Dejection
Hand to cheek --- Evaluation, thinking
Touching, slightly rubbing nose --- Rejection, doubt, lying
Rubbing the eye --- Doubt, disbelief
Hands clasped behind back --- Anger, frustration, apprehension
Locked ankles --- Apprehension
Head resting in hand, eyes downcast --- Boredom
Rubbing hands --- Anticipation
Sitting with hands clasped behind head, legs crossed --- Confidence, superiority
Open palm --- Sincerity, openness, innocence
Pinching bridge of nose, eyes closed --- Negative evaluation
Tapping or drumming fingers --- Impatience
Steepling fingers --- Authoritative
Patting/fondling hair --- Lack of self-confidence; insecurity
Tilted head --- Interest
Stroking chin --- Trying to make a decision
Looking down, face turned away --- Disbelief
Biting nails --- Insecurity, nervousness
Pulling or tugging at ear --- Indecision

Lines

Ever heard of crazy Men?..... A lot, right?
wel heres a little example of it:
Ive known men who believe that women hav all the fake lines to hit on guys. Im not saying we dont use lines, but Fake lines? not realy. And i hav a reasonable explanation for this as well. We dont need fake lines to hit on men, they just comes to us with just a bit of help with an eye contact and that sweet little curve (no matter what direction) on our lips...Thats how easy it is. Where as Men try all their lines just for that little smile on our face.
They mostly think that if we hav a decent conversation with a guy...its a way of luring them or we r flirting with them. aint that ridiculous? maybe they havnt heard themself flirting with women.
We do flirt. I do admit it.But the method is much more complicated and makes sense. Unlike the lines that men use 99% of their flirting.
This is a proven fact. Let me share a certain incident
There was this guy, he used to call a certain girl. What he did was he made up a 100% fake story just to get her attention.But the girl knew what he was sayin was all insane. I mean it was obvious.
Wel, he was sayin a certain girl was after him and life was miserable. Seems he didnt like the girl and he was trying his level best to get away. This guy said he even couldnt sleep, coz the girl was annoying him late night too. Said she was at his doorstep at midnight at his house and was calling him..sheesh. He couldnt even come up with a better story. Anyway, seems he was in real depression those days and he needed a very close frend.(BTW, he had a best frend already, i wonder wat he was there for)...So this girl he calls, got the hint he was making up the whole story, so she called his best frend....and there..he's busted. See? aint that a good example of how lame a person can get?
Im not sayin its a bad thing flirting...Flirt..but with true facts, not with these kinda lame stories, which may lead to a very bad situation.And my point here is that it is MEN who should be aware of this, coz its them most of the time who make this mistake.
Some fake lines practiced by men:
- "What beautiful eyes you got!!" - Like we dont use a mirror!!..hah
- "Anyman would die for you!!" - We know all men are idiotic enuf to really do that
- "Am i disturbing you, if so, tell me, ill call you later when you are free" - This one is used ,when in terms even if he knows we arnt busy,..just to be nice!
- "I'll always be there for you, no matter what.." - A line where the end of the sentence is hidden:..."I'll always be there for you, no matter what...but only times exept football matches, coffee with my frends, boys day out for girl hunting, times where great movie on TV ....etc etc"
- "I love kids" - Only when she's lookin.
- "I bet you'd be a gineous in bed!!" - Its a cheap invitation
- "You are different from all the others i've met" - blah blah blah

Calvin and Hobbes

Ad For Men

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man.
Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR Schedule (1):
101 - Combating Stupidity
102 - You Too Can Do Housework
103 - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
104 - We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings

Schedule (2):
110 - Wonderful Laundry Techniques
111 - Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4AM
112 - Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
113 - Get a Life; Learn to Cook

Schedule (3):
120 - How NOT to ACT Like an Ass When You're Wrong
121 - Understanding Your Incompetence
122 - At times, YOU, the Weaker Sex
123 - Reasons To Give Flowers

SECOND YEAR Schedule (4):
SEX101 - You Can Fall Asleep Without It
SEX102 - Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Then Take a Shower
SEX201 - How to Stay Awake After Sex
202 - How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

Schedule (5):
210 - The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
211 - How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children
212 - You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
213 - Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise, Especially Naked

Schedule (6):
220 - Omitting "@#%&*@" From Your Vocabulary
221 - Fluffing the Blanket After Farting is NOT Necessary
222 - Real Men Ask for Directions
223 - Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

Time Table

Ps. A normal office timetable practiced by employees of this generation

IMPORTANT POINTS

These are important stuff that a woman should keep in mind whilst in contact with a man:

- Never have eye to eye contact unless you are attracted to him or u want to flirt with him. Eye to eye contact may give a hint to him that u r interested in him.
- Do not laugh frequently. Men normally consider a smile is a positive sign towards him (I know ......hopeless)
- At times of proposals on dating and if you are not interested; never let him believe you are self conscious. He may think you are fragile and weak hearted that you may never want to hurt his feelings when proposed.
- Feel free to say what ever you feel towards him. Note: Important to arrange your words in a way that it’s not rude.
- If he stares at your boobs continuously....start staring at his dick
- He invites you to a coffee, Just give him the idea that’s this is not going to be a date...make it just a casual coffee.
- If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...' – on your first date
- To keep a man attached to you talk about himself and he will listen for hours.
- A man with a pierced ear: They think its "cool", whereas we think its Gay
- If a man brings you flowers for no reason, actually there is a reason.
- Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
- The three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
- A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over. This can be a simple test to check his intelligence.
- Whenever u date a guy, u think, is this the man u want ur children to spend their weekends with?
- Never expect a man to admit he weakness….it never works
- Remember the saying: “Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river”
- Never tell a man (who flirts with u) your real age unless you like him.
- Don’t give him your phone number to him on a first sight. See if he is manly enough that he takes the risk of meeting u face to face.
- He doesn’t show up ….no one can blame u if u considered him to be a “coward” at this stage.
- Do not take the risk of expecting him to celebrate any occasions…most men hates celebrating although they do it just for the fear of the fragile heart of their beloved.(ps. It’s sweet btw)
- Men often don’t show their true feelings. Why? Because they don’t have any.
- To attract men, wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'- It ought to work
- Before marriage, men are exciting and alive. After marriage, men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: a drink, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control
- Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

More Flowers....

Love for You

Let me sometimes think,the truth that never change

My love for You, forever sojourn

When times at, I miss your smile.

That never fades from my memory.

The days that brings us together,my life turns full of joy

And when times we part,to wonder 'do I dare?'

I question my heart.

Ever forget the smile

that,bears bliss to my mind

Time to turn back and descend the stairs

in hope of reaching out for you.

And have you known, the arms are already wide

for my love, to be wrapped in mean

and truth, the ever love for you.

QUOTE

"There are only two kinds of men - the dead and the deadly."

=Just useful information=